Tagal na nito

Graduating was one highlighted item on my MUST-do list.
Almost all studs around me were worried that they might not be able to graduate, at ang mga rason?

Let's summarrize them in 2 F's :
Financial and Failing (grades).
Hindi ko naging problema yan,

I was stable with financial issues. With two full scholarship at hand, stipends which were more than enough to cover expenses of an easy-go-lucky college student, masasabi mong: ang sarap ng buhay coca cola.
And for grades? Nada, not to brag or anything but it so happened that it was not an issue as well as most of the subjects were, what they say, my forte.
Hindi ko naging problema ang mga bagay na normal na kadalasang pinoproblema ng ibang kapwa ko estudyante. So how come for almost four years now, there's this question that bugged me almost everyday.

"Anong ginagawa ko dito?"
See, I've been out of school for more than two years now and i'm sick of asking myself kung kailan ako makakabalik.
If you're reading this article sincerely, you'll ask the difference between two and four (i'll tell you why later) and I would also be so dissapointed kung hindi niyo maiisip ang tanong na "Anong nangyari?".

Let me tour you to the past.
College was a big question mark.
But No, not for me. To be honest, after high school, well, even when I was still in high school, I never had that feeling of being worried on how I could afford going to school. Even the fact that my family was financially unstable was not an issue for my young mind. Hindi ko rin ma-explain, it just so happened that I had the "bahala na" attitude and the feeling that everything will be ok. At sa hindi ko malamang kadahilanan, everything really becomes ok.

In my fourth year in High School, I became a working student. Hindi naman talaga ganun kahirap yung trabaho. Our school principal was really kind to offer me a free education kapalit ng pagtulong tulong ko sa paglilinis ng office at faculty room and other simple tasks.
See, lucky me.

I graduated from high school with honors. But I was not happy.

Why? 

In our school, the parents of the first three top students were given acknowledgements. I did reach the top of our class.

Naging first ako.

That was on my fourth year, last grading period.

Kaso lang, hindi counted.

Kasama sa grading system yung grade namin nung third year. I failed.

I received the 2nd honorable place and some medals to display on our wall. I was the next to the third. Pang-apat ako. For my whole stay in high school, pinangarap kong makita ang tatay ko na tinatanggap niya yung acknowledgement na yun. Kahit isang beses lang. Kahit isang beses lang, kuntento na ako. But I failed myself. I knew my parents were proud of me. But the issue was on me.

After graduating, ayan na, the questions about my college were the topic.
They said I had the potentials. My family were busy looking for scholarships. I was offered full and half scholarships by near colleges and universities but there's this feeling nagsasabing hindi yun ang sagot. Nandun yung pakiramdam na hindi magtatagal kakailanganin kong mag-paalam sa sariwang hangin ng aking bayan and that i would need to leave my family behind.

Was that a good or a bad idea?

Was I being too proud or just sane responsible?

Kung anong sagot. Hindi na importante yun.
Nangyari ang mga nangyari.

God is good (all the time). 

Chances knocked on my door. May nakita ang mga pinsan ko na ad sa dyaryo about a certain scholarship - so to Manila we went para magbakasakali na sikatan ako ng konting sinag ng araw to bag the free education home.

As we were on our way to Manila, we received a text message from my tito, bumili raw kami ng dyaryo.

We had no ideas why. 

I was speechless nang malaman ko na I  passed a different scholarship examination I took months post my graduation.

I was very, very blessed to be the only one who passed among our batch from my alma mater. 

Full scholarship. 

Sikat.

One down. 

And so going back to Earth, Philippines, Manila - I took the scholarship exam at this certain University and to cut the long story about my passport to college short.

Nakapasa rin ako.

Full scholarship again.

Two down.

Mas sikat. 

All in one day, instant noodle, may libreng pasaporte ako sa kursong ginusto ng magulang ko at ng buong mundo; at dahil pinagpipilitan ng lahat na dun ako magaling, wala na akong nagawa kundi gustuhin na lang din, ayunan sila na dun nga talaga ako magaling.

So ako na ang iskolar ng bayan at ng aking unibersidad.

Ako na ang bayad ang tuition para sa buong semestre.

Ako na ang may libreng pambaon, pambili ng libro na gagawin ko lang scratch, pambayad sa sastreng magtatahi ng uniporme ko na ang presyo ay times three kumpara sa ibang butihing mananahi, pamasahe na libre panglagalag kung saan man kung sakaling late ang professor.

Ako na ang nakakapasa sa mga subjects.

Ako na ang may magandang grades.

Ako na ang walang dapat intindihin. 

Sige na, ako na.

At sa bandang huli, ang nangyari ako na rin ang may problema.

Nakakaawa.

Lahat naman dapat naging ok. 

"Naging ok".

Wala naman dapat naging problema.

"Naging problema".

So why and what happened?

Simple lang sana iexplain.

"Sana."

Kung maiintindihan lang sana nila na minsan, kung alam na ng isang tao na wala ng pupuntahan pa yung ginagawa niya - there shouldn't be any reason to journey on forward.

If they listened closely, closely enough to ask no more and not wonder why what's happening WAS happening, madali lang sana ipaliwanag.

I tried holding on.

Three years.

Three years of college life.

The first year was a blur and I surely thought and believed that i'll reach the finish line okay.

That was SY 2004-2005.

Then school year 2005 said hello and the next thing i knew, I was falling.

Lahat yata ng fall ngyari na sa 'kin, ultimo ang mahulog sa hagdan (pramis).

And I need not to enumerate what the other falling things were.


The calendar's clock start ticking.

My second year was the turning point and too bad, pinabayaan ko ang sarili ko na ipagpatuloy ang sinumulan kong pag-aalinlangan.

I couldn't remember how I survived and reached my third year.

Gising, isip, pasok, isip, uwi, isip, tulog - routine na sobrang kinamumuhian ko. At paggising ko kinabukasan, third year na ako, may murang isip, presidente ng isang council ng kolehiyo na kinalunuran ko, myembro ng isang malawak na aktibong organisasyon ng mga mamamayanan daw ng bansa at isang kaluluwang naglalakad sa buwan kahit alam niyang late na siya sa klase.

I asked and searched for every motivation that i could find to have my self back on track again.

I even sought for help from our guidance councilor and I could still remember that very long one and a half hour of my life.. alone.

Alone and waiting - waiting for nothing.

Literal na nothing dahil ang dakilang councilor ay hindi nagpakita sa kadahilanang ayaw ko ng alalahanin pa.

Pag magulo ang isip ko at gusto ko ng katahimikan, laging bukas ang chapel sa ground floor at ni minsan hindi pa niya ako pinagsaraduhan ng pinto.

Pero hindi sapat ang katahimikan na binibigay ng chapel. I couldn't find the answers that I badly needed. Katahimikan, yun lang. Pati sagot sa katanungan ko.. katahimikan.

(Hindi ko na natapos to - to be continued)